do you know what me and most people record modern pop music on these days? not tape machines, like the days of yore, but computers. computers loaded with a software called ProTools. this software can make your music do things that you can not humanly compete with. with tape, you get what you put in. when you play it back, it doesn’t lie to you. when you fuck with a track recorded in Protools for even an hour, you can make a song sound like a completely different artist. i can safely say, if i recorded a solemn, sparse version of a song with acoustic guitar and vocal, i could easily turn it into a Daft Punk track with a Public enemy sample, a Led Zepelin drum break, and a string section from an Andrea Bocelli record. you can make this work for you, or work against you. some people have had much success with this device, and if handled with care, sometimes catchy, hook-laden and memorable results are produced.

the person that holds the high score on ProTools: Producer and songwriter Max Martin

there is a software “widget” or plug-in that runs inside of the ProTools software that manipulates anyone from Lindsey Lohan to Jennifer Lopez (John Lajoie exempt) to be able to sing their notes in tune, therefore giving the illusion of “singing”. this is called AutoTune. when over-abused, it has the effect of a barbie doll fucking a robot and having children. it is normally used these days over a bed of music that sounds like a casino full of slot machines going off at 3am. usually, a technique coupled with the effect of AutoTune, to over-stimulate your senses and completely dishevel your attention span, and as an end result, making your mind think “this shit is awesome”.

the person with the high score on AutoTune: Producer Lukaas Gottwaldt (Miley, Kesha, and a bunch of other “singers”)

there’s a popular and ever-growing technique on awards shows where the live performance segments have more and more “OTT” (Over The Top) injected into them in order to one-up the next performer, or simply to just over-compensate for lack of raw talent. this popular technique started to surface at the MTV awards in Miami, when a very successful mogul and gifted dollar bill counter (but marginal entertainer) by the name of P Puff Puffy Diddy performed what was believed to have been a “song” with about 40,000 dancer, circus freaks, midgets, bandmates, and a gratuitous DJ (rumored to be his brother). this technique proved to have killed Rock music dead in it’s tracks, as the night’s only 3 rock performances (by the 3 biggest Rock artists of the year) were consolidated into ONE 3 minute medley. if you blinked or leaned over to ask Eminem for your pills back, then you missed it… surely. 5 bucks to anyone who can even remember the name of the 3 bands.

the person with the high score on “OTT”: Beyonce

more high scores next week….